I wish I cold understand myself and my life, my failures, my inability to do things that others take for granted, for example, being social in a group setting, like parties, concerts, etc. Also, things like getting bills paid on time, going to school and being able to pass classes. For a long time I did not understand why I struggled so terribly with some things and yet could be an intelligent, thoughtful, creative person. Now I think I know the answer: Aspergers Syndrome.
I'm not even sure how I came across Aspergers, where I first learned of it, but once I started reading about it and hearing others accounts of their struggles, it quickly became apparent that I shared many of the same traits. However, when I asked a friend to give me her thoughts on Aspergers and myself, she said I was just being paranoid.
Still, I knew myself well enough to see that I had at least 90% of the profile traits. And when I talked to others who knew me much better, they were flabbergasted. It's funny, at one point I was talking to my niece about this and told her "I have never found anything that so perfectly described my weirdness." Later that day, I read a passage from Tony Attwoods book on Aspergers that basically quoted one of his patients saying verbatim the same sentence. I had to laugh.
About a week ago I took a couple of on-line tests, one an 'Adult' version of the Australian test Tony Attwood devised, and a second one designed by Aspies themselves. These are the results: On the Australian test, I scored a 4.5 out of six, with a score higher than two being a likelihood of having Aspergers. And when I took the 'aspie-quiz', I scored a 155 out of 200 for Aspergers traits. I was surprised to say the least, I thought I would have scored lower on the scale, but I guess not. So I talked to my doctor and we have arranged for me to take the 'official' tests in a few weeks.
I am pretty nervous about this. It's strange to want to get this diagnosis, but after struggling for so long, feeling so isolated and alone and misunderstood, yet having a keen intellect and grasp of most things cerebral, I feel like I have finally discovered what my struggles stem from. Yet I have had such horrid luck with doctors my whole life, and I am so afraid to be told 'nope, your wrong, this ain't it.' I want to figure out what my issue is, I want to go back to school and not fail this time, I want to get my life together, be able to pay bills and not be so socially isolated anymore.
At the same time, believing that this is it, that this is the root source of my struggles, has allowed me to let go of a whole host of negative feelings I had towards myself. I blamed myself for everything, from my money-management issues to my social inadequacy, I just ripped myself down more and more. My self-esteem at times has been abominable. But now I am beginning to understand why I have a hard time with some stuff. My ex once said to me that we were on such different levels intellectually (meaning I was generally alot smarter than she was), but that I was somehow 'stuck' and she could not understand it. Me neither, but now I do. I hope I can get some help with this, be able to go back to school in the fall (I am returning to school one way or another, but regardless of this diagnosis, I will need help finding a different way to succeed as a student) and move forward in my life to achieve the quality of life I desire.
Luckily for me, I have discovered climbing. It focuses me in ways I have never been focused before, and it clearly has staying power, considering I have been climbing for ten years now. Knowing that I am an 'aspie' allows me to let go of any guilt I have about being obsessed with such a self-centered pointless pursuit (pointless for others anyway). It's just the way I am. Some aspies get obsessed with Singer sewing-machines or batteries, so at least I have a healthy passion that gets me exercise and fresh air, not to mention that I am pretty good at it, so for the first time in my life I know what success is. Thanks to climbing, I know what it means to be patient, to work hard for something, and how to finish the job. Rarely do I turn back on a mountain. I have summited 55 mountains in ten years, while probably failing to complete a climb less than ten times, so those are pretty good percentages.
Even luckier for me, the local college, UCC, has an outstanding outdoor recreation program, and I am already helping out on the beginning rock class. So I have a path laid out for me, it's just a matter of staying focused and committed. I'm lucky in that sense that I have found something I love so much and that I feel so at ease with. When I am in the mountains or at the crags, I am in my element. I feel comfortable, even if I am very much aware of the danger around me. It's almost like I need that powerful threat to get me to focus, and when I do, I am pure bliss. The 'little' me falls away when I climb, and something much larger and more powerful takes over. I am focused, but not in any sort of conscious, thinking way.
The only thing I can compare it too is the martial arts. When I was younger, my obsession was being a martial-artist and I studied Tae Kwon Do for six years, achieving the rank of second-degree brown belt (but, as I was prone to do when I was younger, quit less than a year from when I probably would have gotten my black belt.). When I would spar, if I did well, and won all my matches like I normally did, I would enter a state of non-thought, I was operating 'in the zone' as they say in sports, and the most incredible feeling of bliss would take over and I could defeat everyone I fought (which was mostly the black belts in class). However, when I couldn't get into that place, when I was thinking too much and didn't fight as well as I knew could (even if I won), I would get a really uncomfortable feeling, like I had let myself down, and I would often have a hard time going to sleep that night.
Even with writing, if I can really get going, I lose my thinking self and I feel so happy and I can write for hours without a break. Those are the sorts of things I crave, when I do stuff like that I am no longer an aspie or even a person, I feel so much larger than my normal self. The whole point of this is that I have truly found my calling in climbing. Even an easier mountain you just have to fall into some sort of rhythm, one step after another, forgetting about all that you may have had on your mind, until, after many hours, you achieve your goal, you stand atop some fantastic peak, feeling proud, exhausted and happy. That's what I want to do, over and over again, until gravity or old age makes it impossible to do it any longer.
In Tony Attwood's book on Aspergers, he says that sometime people with Aspergers are really good at endurance because they can take suffering and discomfort better than alot of NT's (Neuro-typicals). I certainly discovered that to be true, at least as I have gotten older. When I was younger, I would just give up on stuff when it got too difficult, but now I persevere. As Mark Twight, one of the world's great alpinists says "sometimes fun isn't fun." I find this to be true for climbing. It's painful, it's uncomfortable, there is no 'good' reason to do it, but ultimately, it is the most rewarding thing I have ever done. Mountaineering is the art of suffering.
The path is there. I am on it. In a few weeks, I will have put together, one way or another, a piece in the puzzle. I am beginning to understand.