The Way

What is the meaning of our existence? I have often pondered why the hell I am here, why I have been put on this earth to be so screwed up and fail so often? For twelve years I sifted through the cracks in public school - 'he's just not applying himself' 'He's not trying hard enough, he's lazy, he's unfocused' For twelve years of school I heard this, and yet I always managed to place in the upper five to ten percent of the nation in general knowledge. I was creative, I wrote a 'sequel' to An American Werewolf In London when I was ten (a short story. Incidentally, I was in trouble with my teacher and had to sit outside the classroom while my story was read. Classmates later told me that everyone clapped really hard at the end of it.). Yet I would continually get D's and F's, all the way to halfway through my senior year when I finally had enough and dropped out. I wouldn't have graduated anyway. The crazy thing is - I skipped exactly one day of school my entire twelve years (fake sick days not counting). Yet no one noticed that anything might be amiss, no one helped me, there was little or no guidance from anyone around me - and I needed it. Badly. Now, I know, Aspergers wasn't even an official condition until 1996 (maybe '94), so there was no way for anyone to help me anyway. Man, I really needed help.
However, having gone through all of this, and come out ok on the other end, I am glad that I am who I am, I have become a strong person, I have found understanding and awareness in ways that I never knew existed, and for that I thank them: The teachers, parents, brothers, sisters, all of those who turned away when I clearly needed help.
But now, having discovered that I very well may have Aspergers Syndrome is making this whole past unlock. If this is true, and I think it is quite likely that it is, then there is a pretty good explanation for all my weirdness and incongruities. I look so normal, but really, I am such a freak. Spend five minutes with me and you will see it clearly. The way I walk and talk, the sound of my voice, the way I reluctantly make eye contact (I have learned how to do so for a little bit, but once I start talking, I will hardly look at a person at all.), the way I wax rhapsodic about mountains, roman history, interesting data, on and on and on I go. I try to be a little more conscious about it now, stop myself, take a breath. In fact, I often tell people the first time I spend any time with them that "I'm sorry, I talk a lot, I can't really seem to help it, I interrupt, but I really don't mean to be rude." In fact, I try to at least stop myself now mid-interrupt. I know people don't like it so I at least try to apologize and cease blurting. The point of all this is - I am odd, but I don't have to feel bad about it anymore. It's so freaking obvious that I am an Aspie, to me and to my girlfriend.
So this whole thing began with why am I here, what is my purpose? Well, I may not know the ultimate quest yet, though I do suspect it involves mountains and the ascent of those peaks, I do know that right now is a time for me to recall my past and understand, all those times I felt ashamed or embarrassed, out of place or completely isolated and misunderstood, lonely beyond reach, smart but not in the way the schools wanted me to be, they were all because of a different type of wiring in the brain. And I am not alone. There are so many of us out there, doing great things, inventing, philosophizing, engineering, building. Aspergers is not a curse, not if you can use it to your advantage and find what works for the individual.
These blogs, I think, are really an inherent part of my aspie-ness. It feels so good to just write and pour my guts out on the page, because that is what I like to do. When I type, especially, I can write alot, my fingers can keep better pace with my thoughts. So I thank you, whoever you are, reading this, coming upon it, probably stumbling onto it, my semi-coherent ramblings of a mountain, rock and Ice-climbing fool, an Ass-Burger. I have it within me to do great things. I have it within me to fail spectacularly. I believe. It is up to me.